Dear Eric: I am 57, and I am the fourth of five siblings. My adolescent years were marked by loneliness, fear, bullying from others because of my weight and anxiety. I had no outlet to express myself so I either over ate or took out my rage on my younger sister.
When I grew up, I would often ruminate over how badly I treated my sister in my teen years. My sister coped with her issues, which are also numerous, by getting involved in the drug world as a teen. At age 55 she is still an incredibly sick, active addict despite many attempts at rehab.
I’ve reached out to my sister to apologize for the way I treated her, asking for forgiveness, and promising to do better.
I constantly worry about her to the point where it would make me physically ill, and my husband became worried that my obsession with “helping” to fix my sister’s problems was affecting me mentally and physically.
After many years of therapy, I know that this obsession with helping to fix her problems and be involved was all about me believing that I am responsible for how my sister turned out and I know now, intellectually, that it’s a lot more complex than that.
Yet I live with this impossible dread that I get to have all of this comfort, and my sister doesn’t and it’s not fair that I was so mean to her and possibly ruined her life. What if she was so traumatized by the mean sibling that she turned to drugs to self-medicate? How do I reconcile with all of this?
– Guilty Sister
Dear Sister: Your attention is focused on your sister, but I think you’re really angry with yourself and the obsession is a reaction to feeling powerless, just as it was in adolescence.
Hopefully your therapist has told you the following, but it bears repeating: You did not have the power to make your sister a person who struggles with substances. Guilt and shame feed on anything they can get their hands on. But, by your account, your sister also had other issues to overcome beyond the way you treated her.
Grant yourself some grace – the thought process you’re stuck in is the product of decades of trauma, external and internal. Every time it comes up, label it for what it is: your brain’s way of torturing you for something you can’t control. Ask yourself what it would take to forgive yourself for your past actions, to see yourself as someone who needed help and didn’t get it, and someone, like your sister, who was trapped in an imperfect family system.
Dear Eric: I work in the public sector in a job that makes me well known in my field of work and well known in the community where I work, but not where I live which is a few towns away. I was recently demoted. My colleagues are stumped as to the real reason why, as am I. This has been a hot topic in my field and the outpouring of outrage and kindness has been overwhelming.
My new job and new team know of me, but don’t know me. My plan was to explain everything to the leadership team I will be a part of, but for the direct and indirect reports I will have, I am not sure what to do. When I introduce myself and explain my work history, it will be clear to anyone that something is up. How do I navigate this? I already feel the stares and the whispers, and I haven’t started the new role yet. What is the right level of truth to tell so that I can be an effective leader?
– Follow the Leader
Dear Leader: One of the keys to effective leadership is establishing an expectation, modeling it and not deviating from it. So, if your expectation is that your team performs their job functions regardless of the gossip, then that’s the standard you should set.
You can practice transparency without oversharing by talking about the parts of your work history that directly relate to the work you’re doing now. And if individuals have more specific questions, direct them to speak to you one-on-one.
This isn’t hiding the truth. In your letter, you write that you’re as stumped as anyone else why you were demoted. So, continuing to engage in speculation with others isn’t going to get you or them anywhere.
Work environments can be a breeding ground for whispers. As a leader, your job is to speak clearly – metaphorically and actually. Make sure you have a trusted coworker or friend with whom you can process the stress you’re feeling. But in your leadership role, share what will help others do their jobs better; the rest doesn’t matter.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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